Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
