I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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