I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
