I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I have surprise drugs for everyone
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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