i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
