Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
