you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
