You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
