there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
