My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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