my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Randomize
