I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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