Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
