After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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