I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
