Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
