i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
