My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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