My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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