dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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