i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
