how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
