Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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