I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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