Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
