Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
