Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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