Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
