my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
