you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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