Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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