either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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