just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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