so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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