The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
