I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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