my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
