you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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