Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
