thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
