My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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