He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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