He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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