I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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