he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
