I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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