Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
