a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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