life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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