i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
