Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
