Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
