I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
