I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
