Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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